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xlspecialme16lx
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Name: Tify
Interests: lots of stuff xP for now, SLEEPING!
Expertise: yoo tell me (:
Occupation: anchorwoman/CEO of a ginormous
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/24/2004
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| Life: Way. Too. Busy.
Ugh.
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| So, I quite obviously vent a lot on xanga. And I quite obviously never say things that make people very happy. And quite often, I'm so heated up and in the moment I never really get to express the good side to things. So I'm sorry =/
I guess I'll vent again, but hopefully, this will be the last vent I have about him.
It's almost five months, and honestly, I can say with the most unquestionable certainty that he has made life wonderful. And I don't want to get into all the mushy details, but if you're reading this, you make me happy. Really, really happy. And sometimes, I know I don't show it. And sometimes, I know I have so many other things to do, so many other commitments. But taken in perspective, you're my top priority, especially now that it's the last semester. Maybe even the last semester, the last few months that I'll ever be in the same school with you, together. The future, distance, everything seems so far away. So I'd like to make every moment last, last longer than an eternity.
The reason is simple, and you know what it is. So of all the good, wonderful things left unsaid on xanga, this will be it. But I'm sure you can guess it, I'm sure you know why.
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| When my mother expected me to become Ms. Straight A's successful student leader goody two shoes, I did that. And it's all that I've ever been: an identity defined by my mother. Sounds great. I like my life. I love my family, I love my friends, I love that special person. I love parts of who I am. I love walking through the heavy doors into city hall, rushing past the security guards and speed walking through its marble hallways. I love wearing pencil skirts and high heels, clickity clacking down the sidewalk along the Embarcadero. And I love feeling the wind in my hair as I watch the sunset after work, watching the ocean waves and the Bay Bridge. Sometimes, I even love squishing into the crowded L Car. I love that sort of independence: it has something so pure and simply about it all.
And the more I think about it, it's become an overwhelming part of, well, me. It's my life, my extracurriculars. Running around, going to meetings, organizing, leading, getting angry at people and writing emails and making calls and talking like a professional thrity year old on the phone to San Francisco Supervisor answering machines.
But then sometimes I wonder if doing all that is what I want to do, who I want to be, or what is expect of me. Sometimes I just want to lay around in bed all day, go home right when the school day ends, or just, be a little bit more normal. Sometimes I want to make all the obligations go away. Breathe. Now I don't know anymore. Now I am a confused little girl. I've fit too many committments on one plate, and I'm confused. Today when I went to City Hall for my Executive Committee Meeting, I thought it was actually kind of fun. It was nice running up to the office and then running down a floor, pushing open the huge oak doors and passing out a list of Health and Wellness Committee budget priorities. Which is lame, I know. I usually hate it. But for some reason, to do it felt nice. It felt like I was actually doing something, contributing to something greater than the confines of normal life. Which of course I know is untrue.
To me, that notion was what constituted the word "perfect." The independent, committed, busy-body female. But now I'm not quite sure anymore. He makes me feel like everything is all imperfection, like I do so many things wrong. Like all those things I've loved to do since fifth grade, joining and fitting as many activities into my schedule as possible, is so wrong. Like all I am is a well oiled robot, I guess, who chooses to be not perfect, but boring. Very, very boring. All schedules and meetings and dates and times without time for fun.
He makes me question accepted concepts. And sometimes, it's a wonderful thing to find new perspectives and to challenge conventionally accepted beliefs. But I don't know when to stop challenging my beliefs until the entirety of "perfection" and my identity is completely overturned. I've never tasted alcohol before--I've never wanted to. He makes me wonder whether not trying alcohol makes me dull. He makes me wonder if all my activities amount to nothing more than "nerd." He makes me wonder if I'm living my life twenty years older.
I wish everything would go away. I want to sleep and dream for a long, long time. That's it. Just sleep and dream, dream, dream it all away.
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| So today I waited a while, after chinese club and shield and scroll and mock trial. But he never called back, until a few minutes after I got into the car. It was nice though, and pretty, waiting for mom to come. I think it was the first and only time so far that I've actually found standing there, in that dim sunset glow, peaceful. Haha, I'm kinda lame. But whatever, I'll be lame. (:
I missed him by that much. Wish break was still here, but I guess we can't have everything.
Anyways, just felt like sharing. Now it's time to finish that book so that I can write that essay so that I can turn it in tomorrow. :p
Thinking: As I walk away from those city light stars and the moon, that golden dust, everything glowing, everything magic. The sun fights with its colors, the night envelopes, and in that moment, the world is at standstill.
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| UGH. Feeling:
- Unhappy. Like I did something wrong. Like I'm a really terrible person or whatnot. Like I'm boring and always messing things up.
- Socially awkward.
- Like my head is about to burst because there are too many things to think about
- Anxiety, because of an econ final. since when did econ tests ever matter? since when did i have to study?? UGH.
- Stupid. for saying all the wrong things and not thinking.
- Like I'm skipping out on so many responsibilities. Like I'm really undeserving of all those titles and responsibilities I hold.
- Like I want to crawl into bed or into a hole; feeling happens too often, unfortunately.
- Like winterbreak will be a drag. Cause I'm busy, or someone else is busy. Cause college apps still exist, cause I have to leave for six days, cause of stupid family things that aren't even family anymore because of stupid family issues.
- Insignificant.
- Like I want to burn my wardrobe, again. -__-
- Like I'm burning out, sucking at life.
- Wishful. Desperately wishful that I could change some things and mend things and talk to certain people.
- Like believing I could sail off to paradise.
- Sorry.
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